Thursday, July 29, 2010

Secrets Revealed ! {Part 1}

Enough is enough.  I'm gonna get personal and share my story over the past few years with you.  It’s a long story, but if you know me, you’re gonna nod and think I am glad she is telling it.  If you don’t know me, except through this blog, you may find we have a lot in common.  Either way it has to be told to understand my secret, my new endeavor.

It started 9 years ago when I landed a job that I never thought I could get, much less a job I would love and be good at.  That last statement takes a lot for me to say, cuz I am not bragging nor would I consider myself a bragger, but after 3 jobs that I mostly loathed, I got a different job.  This was back in the day when I was single with no kids and had all of the time in the world.  I got a job in pharmaceutical sales.  And it was with a top company, one that everyone knew the name {Pfizer} and at the time, it was the number 3 company in the world.  Now that in it’s self, is pretty cool to be a part of.  I liked my job, more than I thought I would.  And turns out, I was good at it.  I tell you that because, me getting good at my craft allowed me to win awards and travel, and live a life I couldn’t have without this job.  But this love for my job and the success at it taught me a lot of who I am, and who I still am today.

I learned that I like people.  I like talking to all kinds of people, not ones like me mostly, but the ones I can learn things from…people smarter than me, people less off than me, people with struggles, people with joys just waiting for someone to listen to them and remember what we talked about the very last time I saw them.  This job took me out of my home daily, out of the state almost monthly, and out of the country if I hit my numbers.  This job allowed me to make a move across the country to be closer to my now husband…the biggest risk I ever took in life.  This job didn’t define me, but it filled my time and made me smile.  I made great friends at my job, friends that I still have to this day.

September of this year will be my 3 year anniversary to my biggest career change.  I became a Mom.  My daughter literally rocked my world, and I have a heart for her that is so big and vast it scares me at times.  Both of my children are precious, little miracles that God has blessed me with.  And my love for them is fierce.
{Fierce like Caroline from Housewives of New Jersey can be.}

This is where I tell you where I am now and how it has affected me as a woman, and a person, in general.  I decided to quit my successful career to stay at home with my daughter and have continued that decision to this day with both of my children.  I didn’t think it would be a decision that would impact me the way that it has.  Just the same, I don’t think any Mom, working or otherwise, ever knew how hard it would be to be a parent.  It’s hard whether you work outside of the home, part-time or full-time or as a stay at home Mom/Parent.

In some ways I know I have it easier being at home…when it’s snowing, I make cookies with my kids and cuddle on the couch.  When it’s hot and sunny I watch them play in our kiddy pool, and discover flowers and bugs and baby birds.  And some days, if the stars align, I can even take a nap!

But on the flip side, I believe some days I have it harder.  I am always with them.  I can’t check out physically, mentally or emotionally.  I don’t have vacation days or bonus checks or any paycheck for that matter.  When you stay home, you usually have to give up some material things to make it work.   I am rarely thanked for the things I do every day.  When they wake up whining and whine all day long, I pull my hair out.  When they don’t listen and want what they want regardless of what I do to give them what they need, I curse my decision.  Many of days, I have thought…you are thankless and ungrateful and you don’t care what I have given up.  I do it for them, not for myself.  Not one bit of it is for me and my pleasure, because it is so out of my comfort zone.  It’s so out of the realm of the things that make me happy.  You see, I am the type of person who likes to get dressed up and head on out.  I like to be on the go, check things off of my list and be happy with what I accomplished in a day.  I don’t relax until the work is done.  I get energy from doing and being with others.  I feel normal learning from others and relating to people in general.  None of this goes along with the job description of a Stay-At-Home Mom.  Most of the time you are alone.  You are dressed for comfort and laugh when you think of donning makeup or the latest trend.  It will only get wiped off or dirty or simply doesn’t work with chasing kids around the house.

Over time, I realized that me putting my wants/needs aside has done a number on my psyche.  I look at old pictures and think who am I now?  I knew who I was then.  I saw a confident woman with direction and a purpose in life!  Now, I have more days that I see a tired woman in comfy clothes who lives for others and rarely for herself.  I guess overall it’s made me lose a part of myself.  But, maybe that part of me was just who I was at a different time in life?

Those feelings have come full circle!  The older my children get, the more I realize the little things they do make me happy.  I won’t be able to cuddle them much longer, simply because they won’t want me to or they will be off with friends, discovering the world without me.

Last January, I started writing this blog.  It made my world bigger.  It forced me to feel things rather than be in a foggy state of tiredness.  It got my mind working and connecting with people.  People have told me they like my blog, that they enjoy it.  They enjoy it so much so if I miss a day, I hear about it.  And this blog made me define who I am now, in my current career, what I like, what I don’t like, and what little things make me happy.  Because happiness in life is about the little things isn’t it?

And then an opportunity came that I couldn’t resist.  An opportunity to still spend time with my kids, doing something I love, one of my passions.  How many people can say they got the opportunity in life to do that?

{Stay tuned, no I am not gonna sell Amway or tell you about a tiered marketing scam....just stay tuned.}


Sydney said...

Suzanne, I could totally see you as Caroline! If anything were to go wrong with your kids (like they can't be a lawyer because of a disability) you'd be right beside them thinking positive! You are definitely someone a person would come up to for advise! That is what I love about you!

Lisa said...

Favorite blog so far, Suzanne! Cannot wait to read the final reveal of your big secret!


You warm my heart everyday with your blog and it also keeps me connected with my kiddos/gkiddos in MN.
I have also learned lots from Suzanne and I am her Momma in-law. She inspires ME for the person she is.
Thanks for sharing..

lhoffman said...

I just wanna tell you- if you were going to sell Amway, I would have signed up. ;)

I'm so glad we met through Pfizer, and even more thrilled and grateful that we've reconnected and become closer since your move back to Minnesota. I'm one of those followers who's a bit saddened when Saturday rolls around and there's no SSC to indulge in... I love your wit, your insight, your honesty, and on a more personal note, value your friendship! So excited for you, and so honored to be a part of your new endeavor. I know you're going to be a smashing success, and can't wait to do whatever I can to make it happen- you deserve it!

Mama O said...

Honesty is one of your best qualities. That was one of your biggest draws for me. You look so polished and sophisticated but on the flip side you have no problem breaking it down and being "real." Totally refreshing!

After 9 years of being a stay at home Mom, your post could have been written by me. We all feel it at times. I'm happy for you that you seemed to have found something to give you the best of both the worlds you love.

Hang in there, keep being the Suzanne we all love and best of luck on the new endeavor!

Kim said...

Suz - you are SO brave and honest to reveal this part of you! You know I feel a lot of the same. Being a sah mom is totally for the kiddos - going to the pool on a beautiful summer day, playdates and having an all day pj day in January are the "bonuses" to me : ). Temporary though, soon they will be off with friends or off to school, and I'll be back in the corporate world...maybe : ). Love you!!!

mary timmers said...

Just to let the world know-- Suzanne is the product of a stay-at-home mom!! What a great reward (plus her two brothers)for hard work. Thank you, Lord!

Shining 2 Save said...

I am your newest follower from top mommy blogs!

I would love for you to stop by my blog

Hope you have a great weekend!


Amy said...

Suzanne, a big, fat AMEN! I think I could have wrote this blog! Right now, it is all for them. So hard for me. This is a bit sad, but I so enjoyed my time away 2 weeks ago preparing for a Garage Sale and working at the Garage Sale with my friend....because no one was calling my name all day long! I realized the thing that frustrates me the most about being home....I can't do ONE darn thing without interruption. Not one. UGH.